


She Didn't Tell

by tearsofadragqueen



Series: She Didn't [2]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Christmas, Cutting, Gen, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28108545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tearsofadragqueen/pseuds/tearsofadragqueen
Summary: The fallout had been hard, to say the least.Jackie wouldn’t let anyone in, and that would be her downfall.MASSIVE TW FOR SELF HARM AND SUICIDE - PLEASE DON'T READ IF THIS WILL AFFECT YOU
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Series: She Didn't [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2059242
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	She Didn't Tell

For the first time since before finding his footing in the art of drag a decade earlier, Darius felt completely lost.

Their – his – apartment was cluttered and messy, filled with pieces of drag, assorted rubbish, and other distractions that the queen had attempted to pick up in the weeks since his partner died. He hadn’t turned off flight mode on her phone for a week, terrified of having to fully accept the situation.

Even the news of two new seasons of Drag Race failed to lift his spirits, or drag in general, for that matter. _The issue was_ , Darius told himself, _that her drag was mixed in with Jan’s, and she couldn’t cope with sifting through it all to sell or donate_. In truth, he just didn’t feel confident enough anymore. Jackie Cox had always been a character who was confident, who knew exactly what to do in every situation, and how to make others happy. Dari just… wasn’t.

Dari hadn’t left his apartment in nearly a month, and hadn’t answered the doorbell in nearly as long, despite it ringing at least once a day. Dance lessons had long been forgotten. He could feel his old enemy depression settling in, but he really didn’t care. Nothing mattered now, not now Jan was gone.

It was but a week before Christmas when his doorbell rang and wouldn’t stop ringing.

Groaning to herself, Dari dragged himself out of the small nest he had constructed on his bed and carefully navigated his way to the front door. Looking through the peephole, he could see one Nicky Doll, holding a small bunch of purple flowers.

Darius choked up. He had been a horrible friend, he knew he had, and he couldn’t help but sink down into a sobbing mess. His friends deserved someone better than him – someone who would go out with them and be social, someone who would actually reply to their messages.

As he heard the doorbell cease and Nicky’s footsteps fade away, the thoughts in his brain were only reinforced. Circling and circling inside his head, they came in droves.

_You’re not good enough._

_Your friends hate you._

_Your drag is awful, you should just quit._

_No one would care if you just died._

That last thought was the most potent, and, naturally, it was the one that came to Dari’s mind the most out of any of them. He had stopped going to see his therapist long ago, and in hindsight, he should have kept attending. But he was too far gone now.

 _You’re worthless_.

It was like a switch flipped in Dari’s brain, sending him onto autopilot. Slowly standing up from his position huddled on the floor, he made his way to the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror. All he saw were flaws, from his greying hair to his legs which were entirely too scrawny in his point of view. Without consciously making the choice, he retrieved the pack of his spare razor blades from the medicine cabinet and opened it, grasping one to remove from its protective plastic casing.

_One for not noticing Jan fading._

_One for not replying to the other girls._

_One for not becoming a doctor as your mother wanted._

_One for being such a horrible person…_

Darius’s thoughts spun around and around in his mind as he painted his arms and thighs in red. They wouldn’t go away, they couldn’t go away, they-

Dari collapsed back into his nest of a bed, arms and thighs bandaged, although the evidence was already beginning to seep through.

The next morning, Darius felt like shit. His arms ached like crazy, and he was confused for a brief moment before he opened her eyes and saw the cause. His limbs were wrapped in bandages, and red was soaking through. He winced.

_Oh god._

Making his way to the bathroom, Dari winced as he carefully peeled away the bandages to reveal the fresh injuries underneath. He looked like he had been attacked by a massive cat, as parallel lines of deep wounds lined his arms and legs. Some were still bleeding, signs that he had at least nicked a vein. He considered calling someone to give him a ride to the hospital – he was sure to need stitches, there was no doubt about that – but he dismissed the idea. _He didn’t deserve that, and none of his friends would want to help him anyway._ Instead, he put on his black pants and sweater, getting changed for the first time in days.

This pattern continued. Ever since that first time, Darius would get up at the sound of the doorbell, intending on finally opening up to whoever it was that day – sometimes Dahlia, sometimes Chelsea or Paige, but often Nicky – but would find himself unable to. That little switch in her brain would flip, and he’d find herself carving away his thoughts. Little to no untouched skin remained on his arms and thighs, it all covered with scars and cuts of varying sizes and severity.

Darius functioned like a robot, eating and drinking barely enough to survive and not fade away like his partner had the month before. His phone had died, but he didn’t have the energy or the desire to plug it in to charge. He was completely isolated, and he felt that he deserved it completely and utterly.

On Christmas Day, Darius woke up calm.

In lieu of presents, he spent the day writing notes to everyone he cared about and sat them outside his front door to be delivered later. He cleaned up his apartment, including carefully bagging up his late partner’s drag and packing the recycling bin until it was overflowing. He donned his suit which had been untouched for so long, it was covered in a thin layer of dust. Picking up his freshly charged phone, he posted to his Instagram a message wishing a happy Christmas to all of his fans and then proceeded to do the same with his season 12 sisters.

As night fell, Darius took a look around his apartment. It held so many memories, the good and the bad.

Memories of his and Jan’s first kiss.

Memories of their first fight.

Memories of their classic movie nights.

_Memories of Jan fading away._

Smiling slightly for the first time since his partner had died, Darius placed his phone and a small handwritten note upon the kitchen counter and headed to the bathroom. He sat down in the shower and turned it on, neglecting to get undressed in the process.

He closed his eyes and let the water run over him as he reached for the all too familiar piece of silver metal and pressed down on each arm in turn. Darius almost immediately started to feel lightheaded as the floor of the shower was painted in deep red before it was washed away down the drain. He let his eyes slip shut for what would be the last time.

If one of Jackie’s friends had gone to give her a surprise visit on that Christmas Day, they would have had quite the shock. Inside the Christmas cards addressed to those she loved, she also detailed why she chose to end her life and that it wasn’t anyone’s fault, just her own.

Had they entered her apartment, they would have found her freshly charged phone on the kitchen counter beside a small handwritten note detailing all of her important login details and passwords.

Had they investigated why the water was running when Jackie wasn’t singing in the shower like she usually did, they would have found Jackie’s lifeless body, her arms covered in blood and the smallest hint of a smile playing across her face.

For Jan was her world, and she was one with her world again.


End file.
